Heartbroken

This should be the post where we have a picture of the happy family with their newly adopted child, like so many other blogs I have read. Well, it was not to be for the Curry's today. I cannot think of enough words to describe how John and I are feeling: dejected, rejected, devastated, shocked, disbelieving only begin to touch the surface of this surreal situation. We are emotionally and finacially bankrupt at this point. I truly believe Viktor thought he wanted a family (or at least a chance to live in the states). Time was definately not on our side. Maybe if we could have gotten him straight from the orphanage. Once he saw the freedom the other kids had, he resented our presence. When I arrived in Kyiv last night I was briefly greeted by Viktor and enthusiatically by John. My husband looked like he had not slept in weeks and I could tell the stress of the situation had definately worn on him. Almost immediately after my arrival, John expressed his concern about leaving me in this "situation". It quickly became apparent that John had tried to present a better situation to me hoping things would improve. The call from Ryan Hennesey only had a good effect for about 1/2 a day. Viktor had been avoiding being with John and resented any time away from his friends. Many negative things happened but I will not relay them all as my desire is not to villanize Viktor. You may recall the e-mail where I talked about Viktor being disrespectful to Zhenia. Well, I saw first hand last night. Zhenia came to talk about court and make sure we all knew our part. Viktor refused to talk with Zhenia and would only answer questions with "I don't know". He kept his head down and got angry when we pressed for answers. We expressed our understanding of how scared he must be and how much he would miss his friends - to no avail. He stated he didn't like when other people put their morals on him. He also said directly he hated church and would never go again. We tried to present the positive side of being in a family. The benefits of having a "forever" family far outweighed the immediate gratification of his friends. His answers were vague at best. He then went out with friends and returned (late as was his usual) - it was clear he had been drinking. He ended the evening by slamming his bedroom door and locking it (apparently not the first time - even without any confrontation). John and I were devastated - John hoping things might change when we were both there - me now seeing firsthand what John has been going through the last 2 1/2 weeks. We talked at length, knowing Viktor did not want to come, but trying to justify "making" him come with us and hoping things would get better in the states. Zhenia was shocked about Viktor's behavior, even kids who act up once they get home are usually excited during the adoption process - not that they don't have fears and doubts - that is very common. Many change their minds about being adopted close to the time to go home or right before court. But they can usually be reasoned with and, at some point, show some enthusiasm for their family. Zhenia tried to explain how important this court date was, this was his last chance to have a family and we were have been working so hard for this to happen. We had been increasingly worried about his lack of curiosity about his life in the states. The only question he ever asked was "how will I learn english" - but that was awhile back. He never asked about life, us, activities, house in the states. We had hoped that he would wake up this morning at least a little happy that court was today. John said he had been sleeping until 11:30 or 12:00 each day. Well he was up and showered and dressed by 11:00. We thought maybe there was a glimmer of hope - he had decided that this was what he wanted. We learned however that Zhenia had called him twice to get him up, told him to get dressed and apologize for his behavior last night. He didn't apologize - which I didn't expect, but I was so disappointed he was not excited about court. When Zhenia arrived we talked. I was physically ill at the thought that this might not happen. When we asked him if he was happy he shrugged. When we asked if he would like to stay in Ukraine he said, "I just don't think I could get used to the family, rules, I like to be on my own". His lack of emotion was heartbreaking to me, surely a defense mechanism. But after the decision was made - his relief was evident - which was also heartbreaking. We thought we were offering him something he wanted. We hadn't expected gratitude (at least not in the first few years) or an easy road to adjustment. Soon he was laughing again with Zhenia (the Viktor we first met from the orphanage). He told Zhenia he liked us, but he liked his friends better. We then learned that a Ukrainian family had wanted to adopt him a couple of years ago. He had visited their home but hadn't liked the fact that they attended church and didn't want to live their "lifestyle". He has had enough of school, rules and he feels he is ready for some freedom. Knowing at some point he will probably regret this decision is agonizing. John got to experience 2 "honeymoon" days with him - I got 1 night. At the courthouse, we had to write out a petition and John broke down. I thought this would upset Viktor, but it didn't. We asked if he would try to finish trade school (they can also finish their formal educationt there if they want) then we would help him attend University if that was his wish. We were trying anything to try to stay in his life in some way. We took him shopping and bought a new phone, coat, boots, pants and other items we thought he might need in the upcoming months - as with children - he was very excited about these material things. We are heartbroken. The toll this has taken on our family is enormous and now we will never get to see the fruits of this labor. I don't enjoy books or movies that don't have a happy ending. For those of you who have faithfully followed this blog - I am sorry. For those of you who have faithfully prayed and supported us - I am sorry. We feel we have failed and are second guessing about any way we could have done things differently to get positive results. If we could have gotten through court it might be different. We don't know why God led us here to be away from our family and invest so much emotion. Now we will return to the states and try to get back to a life we had planned with three kids. His room we had ready will be a dismal reminder of the boy we had to leave behind. Nothing about this situation is good or happy at this point except we will be back with Phillip and Cassie soon.