Friday, September 19, 2008
Heartbroken
This should be the post where we have a picture of the happy family with their newly adopted child, like so many other blogs I have read. Well, it was not to be for the Curry's today. I cannot think of enough words to describe how John and I are feeling: dejected, rejected, devastated, shocked, disbelieving only begin to touch the surface of this surreal situation. We are emotionally and finacially bankrupt at this point. I truly believe Viktor thought he wanted a family (or at least a chance to live in the states). Time was definately not on our side. Maybe if we could have gotten him straight from the orphanage. Once he saw the freedom the other kids had, he resented our presence. When I arrived in Kyiv last night I was briefly greeted by Viktor and enthusiatically by John. My husband looked like he had not slept in weeks and I could tell the stress of the situation had definately worn on him. Almost immediately after my arrival, John expressed his concern about leaving me in this "situation". It quickly became apparent that John had tried to present a better situation to me hoping things would improve. The call from Ryan Hennesey only had a good effect for about 1/2 a day. Viktor had been avoiding being with John and resented any time away from his friends. Many negative things happened but I will not relay them all as my desire is not to villanize Viktor. You may recall the e-mail where I talked about Viktor being disrespectful to Zhenia. Well, I saw first hand last night. Zhenia came to talk about court and make sure we all knew our part. Viktor refused to talk with Zhenia and would only answer questions with "I don't know". He kept his head down and got angry when we pressed for answers. We expressed our understanding of how scared he must be and how much he would miss his friends - to no avail. He stated he didn't like when other people put their morals on him. He also said directly he hated church and would never go again. We tried to present the positive side of being in a family. The benefits of having a "forever" family far outweighed the immediate gratification of his friends. His answers were vague at best. He then went out with friends and returned (late as was his usual) - it was clear he had been drinking. He ended the evening by slamming his bedroom door and locking it (apparently not the first time - even without any confrontation). John and I were devastated - John hoping things might change when we were both there - me now seeing firsthand what John has been going through the last 2 1/2 weeks. We talked at length, knowing Viktor did not want to come, but trying to justify "making" him come with us and hoping things would get better in the states. Zhenia was shocked about Viktor's behavior, even kids who act up once they get home are usually excited during the adoption process - not that they don't have fears and doubts - that is very common. Many change their minds about being adopted close to the time to go home or right before court. But they can usually be reasoned with and, at some point, show some enthusiasm for their family. Zhenia tried to explain how important this court date was, this was his last chance to have a family and we were have been working so hard for this to happen. We had been increasingly worried about his lack of curiosity about his life in the states. The only question he ever asked was "how will I learn english" - but that was awhile back. He never asked about life, us, activities, house in the states. We had hoped that he would wake up this morning at least a little happy that court was today. John said he had been sleeping until 11:30 or 12:00 each day. Well he was up and showered and dressed by 11:00. We thought maybe there was a glimmer of hope - he had decided that this was what he wanted. We learned however that Zhenia had called him twice to get him up, told him to get dressed and apologize for his behavior last night. He didn't apologize - which I didn't expect, but I was so disappointed he was not excited about court. When Zhenia arrived we talked. I was physically ill at the thought that this might not happen. When we asked him if he was happy he shrugged. When we asked if he would like to stay in Ukraine he said, "I just don't think I could get used to the family, rules, I like to be on my own". His lack of emotion was heartbreaking to me, surely a defense mechanism. But after the decision was made - his relief was evident - which was also heartbreaking. We thought we were offering him something he wanted. We hadn't expected gratitude (at least not in the first few years) or an easy road to adjustment. Soon he was laughing again with Zhenia (the Viktor we first met from the orphanage). He told Zhenia he liked us, but he liked his friends better. We then learned that a Ukrainian family had wanted to adopt him a couple of years ago. He had visited their home but hadn't liked the fact that they attended church and didn't want to live their "lifestyle". He has had enough of school, rules and he feels he is ready for some freedom. Knowing at some point he will probably regret this decision is agonizing. John got to experience 2 "honeymoon" days with him - I got 1 night. At the courthouse, we had to write out a petition and John broke down. I thought this would upset Viktor, but it didn't. We asked if he would try to finish trade school (they can also finish their formal educationt there if they want) then we would help him attend University if that was his wish. We were trying anything to try to stay in his life in some way. We took him shopping and bought a new phone, coat, boots, pants and other items we thought he might need in the upcoming months - as with children - he was very excited about these material things. We are heartbroken. The toll this has taken on our family is enormous and now we will never get to see the fruits of this labor. I don't enjoy books or movies that don't have a happy ending. For those of you who have faithfully followed this blog - I am sorry. For those of you who have faithfully prayed and supported us - I am sorry. We feel we have failed and are second guessing about any way we could have done things differently to get positive results. If we could have gotten through court it might be different. We don't know why God led us here to be away from our family and invest so much emotion. Now we will return to the states and try to get back to a life we had planned with three kids. His room we had ready will be a dismal reminder of the boy we had to leave behind. Nothing about this situation is good or happy at this point except we will be back with Phillip and Cassie soon.
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20 comments:
John & Sharon, we love you. I can't fathom what you are feeling right now but the last thing you should feel is apologetic to those who love and support you. I am still so in awe of your faithfulness in following where God has led you. I know it didn't turn out like we wanted and we'll probably never know why. But you should believe that you have made a difference in Viktor's life and though it wasn't as much as you wanted, he will always remember it. Now just come home and love on your kids and let your family and friends love on you.
John and Sharon, I am a friend of Lisa's from church. Please know that I am praying for you and your family, as well as for Viktor. Your faith is apparent and is a witness to me. Allow God to comfort and heal you. It doesn't make sense now, but it will one day. You are loved and thought of by people you don't even know.
We don't know each other either, but Lisa is a mutual friend. I am heartbroken, fighting back sobs, writing to you after reading about your week. It will be hard for you to go forward but you will. God's work is not in vain and His ways are not our ways. God promises to comfort us and then we can go on to comfort others in affliction. Viktor will never forget you guys and we can only trust he will reach out to you later, maybe not as a son but as someone needing Love. Your children have seen you be beautiful examples of loving parents and that will not come back void either. May God bless you and may you continue to trust Him and show His great love.
Hello Sharon.
I am terribly sorry to hear about your heartbreaking experience.
Please know that you have friends far and wide to help you through this difficult time.
Jim Bartoo
I don't know you personally and haven't posted here before, but wanted to express my sadness for you and your family - and Viktor.
Please do not blame yourselves in any way - perhaps it might be helpful to remember that one of God's greatest gifts to his children is that of free will. Viktor obviously made his own choice - not the one that you, or most of your friends, family, and readers here would have made for him. It may not be the choice that God would have made for him, either - but it's God's gift that Viktor was able to make that choice, short-sighted though it may well prove to be.
I hope you are able to remain in Viktor's life, if that is what is best for him and for you. If this isn't possible, then perhaps it's that your care and influence - and yes, love - that were meant to be part of Viktor's life at this time. These great gifts will bear fruit in their own time in his life...
You and your family - and Viktor - will be in my prayers.
Best wishes,
Susan in Ky
cousin to two from Ukraine
My prayers are with you and your family and Viktor too.
We love you and can't wait to see you soon. Take comfort in the arms of our Lord, He loves you so very much. We pray for your safe return home. Blessings, The Langes
So many questions...so few answers. "And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." Love is exactly what you have shown through this entire ordeal...faith is what you must not lose hold of as you continue forward.
I read an excerpt from an interview Steven Curtis Chapman did after the tragic death of his youngest daughter recently. He recounted his son saying, "You know, yeah, we are family – like people say – of great faith ... but we're a family with a lot of questions, but that's what faith is. It's living with the questions. That doesn't mean you have the answers. That's exactly what faith is."
We pray that you will have a safe journey home, and that you will continue to be guided by your trust in the Lord and the knowledge that He has an ultimate plan.
We love you,
Vicki and family
I am truly sorry. Words cannot even express how much. I love all of you and just want everyone back here on U.S. soil safe and sound. You have two beautiful children and now I have a bed to sleep in when I come to visit instead of a trundle. LIke those that have said this before me, take comfort in those that are here for you.
Sharon & John,
We just wanted you to know how sorry we are that this journey has ended in such sadness for you both. We are still in such awe of the sacrifices you both have made and truly believe you have made a difference in Viktor's life. It is always so hard to understand the "why's" and the turns in life that God hands out to us. Please know that you are both in our prayers and we hope that you will both be home safely and soon! We will continue to pray for all of you. Love, Phil & Julie
I can not even begin to imagine what you are going through right now. Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers. Just know you have NOT failed. In the end the decision was Viktor's. God has a plan. I don't know what it could be, but you were faithful. ((HUGS))
Sharon and family,
We are so sorry to hear of your news...impossible to understand, but we cling to the Lord with you and will be praying for you through these next hard weeks and months. Know people at Rock Creek are praying and looking forward to your return.
Jessica Jones
Although I have been activly reading your story and daily asking Lisa about your updates...It has taken me a few day to post a comment. . . Because I have no idea of what to say, or how to comment, I know that nothing I, (a complete stranger), could say would make the heartache and disappointment you feel any less. . .
I don't want to say anything to cliche' . . . I will never know how you feel, but I can only imagine. . .
In the past, our family has faced some heart breaking things. . . I can recall one situation we encountered where our hearts were so full and things were beautiful (like an ornate fragile vase) and then it was like someone took that vase and threw it to the ground. . all of our dreams were shattered. . .into hundreds of pieces...yet somehow, months later we were able to look amongst the debris and find flecks of diamonds, glimmers of hope and beauty in the experience.
I pray that you are ok...I pray that your reunion with Phil and Cassie is great! and that tomorrow the Son will shine warmly on you.
Psalm 34:18 - The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit
We are so sorry for your loss. We can not image how your heart is aching for this child who will always be yours in your heart. Your family will be in our prayers. Monica & David
Sharon & John,
Your story is an inspiration to us all. I know your hearts are broken now but in time I hope that you will see that by offering your love to Viktor you have indeed changed his life.
Your family is a testiment to the way we should all live our lives ... sharing the wonders, the hopes and even the disappointments with others.
Know that we are touched by your story, and your heartbreak, and that we are all praying for you. You have inspired us ... enjoy your homecoming.
Sharon Burkart
Sharon & John,
Your story is an inspiration to us all. I know your hearts are broken now but in time I hope that you will see that by offering your love to Viktor you have indeed changed his life.
Your family is a testiment to the way we should all live our lives ... sharing the wonders, the hopes and even the disappointments with others.
Know that we are touched by your story, and your heartbreak, and that we are all praying for you. You have inspired us ... enjoy your homecoming.
Sharon Burkart
I am sorry. You have been through so much. I know you are hurting. Blessings.
I am so sorry. But know that you did make a difference in Viktor's life - and you did everything you could do to make an even larger impact. It breaks my heart that these immature kids have to make such adult decisions. I hope that as you read this you are home resting. Even though the outcome was not what we had all hoped for - you were faithful and obedient and Viktor was blessed because of your hard work.
Hi, I just found your blog today. I am so sorry for your loss!
We too had a little girl turn us down. Different circumstances, though. The aunt came a couple of days after we arrived and asked her not to leave. Another reason she gave was that she liked her life at the orphanage.
We had the same feelings as you express. Devastation. So much so that only someone who has gone through it can understand.
We also wondered, why would God have us go this far, invest so much to have this happen? We may never know. There are reasons we can't comprehend at this time.
These children who do turn down their opportunity for a better life, just don't understand. They are emotionally immature and can't think of the future. They only think of the here and now.
May God bless you as you heal from this hurt.
June
Just checking in to see how you are and let you know we are still praying for your road to healing. God Bless!
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